2.00 AM- Need I say more?
by lone astronomer
Summary: Language warning! Sirius gets a little crazy when Voldie dies...


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2:00 A.M. (Need I Say More?)

redwood

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Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, no profit is being made and no infringement is intended, just like with the rest of the stories.

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Author's Note: This short (supposedly humorous) story was written at two o'clock in the A.M. as a byproduct of too much sleep, eight Chipits cookies, half a bottle of coke swallowed in one gulp, a glass of cherry juice, and some disgusting mint toothpaste. Don't hold me responsible for what came out. It's crazy and a bit morbid, deals a bit with religion- I am not trying to convert you all to a religion nor am I trying to belittle or promote any religion. I'm just crazy. There's a good deal of bad language in this, so watch out!

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2:00 A.M.

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There was a flash of brilliant light from above, and a dark and evil figure crumpled to the ground for a final time.

_That had to hurt_, Sirius thought, prodding the Dark Lord's body with his toe. _Phew. Smells almost as bad dead as he did alive._ Padfoot's thoughts on Voldemort's death were interrupted by a very familiar voice- one he hadn't heard in a long, long time.

"I don't care, James," she was saying. "Trying to kill our son, the little pissant-"

Sirius Black dropped his wand. "Prongs? Sparky? But, aren't you, um…" his voice trailed off.

"Dead?" James asked good-naturedly. "Oh, yeah. Been dead for years."

"So, how's, um," Sirius paused, about to say 'life.' "Death," he finished instead.

"Royal pain in the ass. Ever try getting frisky with your wife when you're both dead? No fun, Padfoot, my friend." He took in the strange, confused look Sirius was giving him. "Isn't it obvious? We're ghosts!"

REMUS: *wakes up*

"Don't scare him off now, James," Lily said. "And don't lie, either. We're part of his imagination."

"I imagined _you_ calling Voldie a piss-ant?" Sirius was bewildered. "His death fumes must be getting to me."

REMUS: What's so hard to believe about that? I've called him worse, the little asshole, trying to kill Harry for all these years…

"About time that evil bastard bit it, too," she added. "That dick, killing James and then trying it on my boy…"

"Harry's fine," Sirius said. "Up and married a redhead about a year ago, right out of the blue. They're expecting twins."

REMUS: I _know_, you've only told me six times already… hey, how'd _he_ die, anyway? *gestures to Voldie*

"Excellent. I _must_ go smoke a cigar with my young son," James said. "Oh, shit. I forgot: I can't _get_ emphysema, I'm already _dead_… Thanks a lot," he added, kicking Voldemort's dead body. "Little piss-ant. How'd he die?"

"Struck by lightning," Sirius said lightly, as if it were nothing at all. "Raised his wand to cast the killing spell and the dark magic inside attracted it. One fried Dark Lord, coming right up."

REMUS: Sweet.

"Sweet."

"Um, Sirius," James said, "did it ever occur to you that there _isn't a cloud in the sky_?"

"No," Sirius answered, rolling his arch enemy up into a ball and sitting on his head. (Don't ask if that's possible; I don't know, it was two in the freakin' morning!)

"Just checking."

REMUS: Just checking… You're sitting on Voldie's head, by the way.

"You are sitting on Voldemort's head," Lily stated.

"Yeah, so what?"

Lily made a disgusted noise. "Do you have any _idea_ where that's been?"

REMUS: Move! I want to sit on his head!

Sirius jumped up quickly. 

"Yep, he went straight to hell, that son of a-"

"Watch it, Lil," James warned. "There's a dog among us."

"Two, if you count Remus," Sirius said, gesturing to where his friend lay sleeping on the grass. (No, he wasn't really there- you'll figure it out in a few seconds.) Voldemort had tried cursing him, but only managed to bore him to, er, snores.

"Bitch," Lily finished anyway.

REMUS: Two what? *Sirius doesn't even look at him* Oh, go to hell, you're not listening to me…

"So there really _is_ a hell?" Sirius asked.

"Oh yeah," James replied amiably, as if it were an icerink. "I believe Mr. Draco Malfoy departed for a long vacation there just yesterday."

REMUS: Where do you think The Amazing Bouncing Ferret went when he died?

"Well, Harry'll be pleased to hear that. No more threatening owls addressed to number 61 of England's Quidditch team… So there's a heaven, too?"

REMUS: I like to think that's where _we're_ going, but-

"Planning on dying soon, Padfoot?" James asked.

"No, actually."

REMUS: Fine, be immortal. Just be glad Peter won't discover the secret of immortality before you.

"Good- although Miore's been waiting to see you again. Yeah, there's a heaven. But don't bother with any of your pranks- for saints, Peter and Paul can get a little pissy."

Sirius' mouth hung open. "_Wormy_'s up there? I'll take my chances in hell, thanks…"

"Hell no!" Lily said. "I mean, heavens no," she corrected. "Pettigrew, the _dirty rotten traitor _(she actually said something much more graphic than that) is still in Azkaban. Little rat just won't kick the bucket."

REMUS: Hell no! He's still in Azkaban.

"Good," Sirius said. "He still owes me for all the time I spent there…"

"I'll say," the other three chorused.

"Well, we must be going," James said, slipping an arm around lily. It went right through her. "Piss!" he exclaimed. "Hate it when that happens… bye, Sirius… later, Moony…"

"Why d'you have to go?" Sirius asked.

REMUS: Who? Voldie? I think it was just his time…

"You're waking up. See you around…" and then, Sirius' strange dream ended.

END NOTES: No, Remus isn't dead, but Sirius was asleep and thought that _Remus_ was the one who was sleeping. Remus wasn't sleeping, and _he _thought Sirius was awake (sleepwalking/talking is what he was actually doing). James and Lily were never really there, Sirius dreamed the whole thing. I like to think the redhead Harry married was Ginny, but if you must, imagine it was Hermione or Cho with dyed hair.


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